The Pope's Condition, 2/28/2005 10:44:26 PM Eastern Standard Time

The Pontiff experienced somewhat of a setback today. He was snubbed by the Oscars and will likely be voted off American Idol. His role of "Vicar of Christ" was not deemed the best supporting actor, especially by Protestants, who said "they could go straight to the man" and "didn't need no stinkin' vicar." He received several votes for a lifetime achievement award, but not enough to make it.

American Idol was particularly embarrassing. The Holy Father has had several hit albums, as listed on Amazon.com.
Rosary
Abba Pater(an album of Abba cover tunes)
The Gold Collection
Papal Blessing
From Rome to America

But tonight was not his night. He sang his new release, "Joseph, Buried Feet Up", a dark, gothic rocker in an incredibly strained tone, which was actually astounding for a guy who had just had a tracheotomy. Paula told him he had really "stepped up his game" and noted that she "was proud of you for really showing up since you've just had a chainsaw run through your vocal chords". Randy said "the dog was walking backwards" and Simon said, "There are hundreds of aging Polacks who sound better" than the pontiff.

It is expected that he won't last the week on AI. A note to readers: The Pope was a runaway winner at least year's "Vatican Idol", but apparently the USA looks for something else in its pop(e) stars...

The Pope's Condition, 2/27/2005 7:21:57 AM Eastern Standard Time

In a move that surprised the faithful today, the Pope waved to the crowd from his hospital window. Through a Vatican spokesmane, he attributed his new found strength to Vitamins M and J.

Next, though, in a move that stunned the whole world, right after waving to the crowd, the Pope grabbed an infant from the arms of a nearby nurse, dangled it out the hospital window and then disappeared into the room. A man with an umbrella stood nearby.

The Pope's Condition, 2/26/2005 6:56:39 PM Eastern Standard Time

The Holy Father breathed heavily, slept, and coughed so hard his little hat fell off. You can email him at john_paul_ii@vatican.va

The Pope's Condition, 2/26/2005 12:03:14 PM Eastern Standard Time

The Holy Father is resting. Doctors have advised him not to speak for several days as he recovers from surgery to insert a breathing tube in his throat. You can write to him at:

His Holiness,
Pope John Paul II,
Apostolic Palace,
00120 Vatican City