Start Well!

The following is the text of a message given at Goochland Baptist Church, Manakin-Sabot, VA, on 2/22/09. It is a bit long for a blog post but I have had requests for a few copies of it and I figured this was the best way to take care of that.
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In many cases if you want to finish well, it helps a lot to start well. If you’ve ever seen a race where a horse falters coming out of the gate, you know they have a lot of work to do to finish well. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it certainly helps. And in no case is starting well more important than in marriage.

When my daughter was about six, she came to me one day and out of the blue asked me a question that really took me off guard. To this day I have no idea what prompted her to ask—if I had been smart I would have deflected answering her by asking why she wanted to know. But I didn’t. I was too stunned at the question and at a loss for what to say. She asked me how she should know whom she should marry.

I took a deep breath and thought for a minute, and then was blessed with a rare occurrence: a lucid answer that both a 6 year old and an adult could understand.

I said, “There are 3 questions to ask yourself as you think about marrying someone. The first thing is: ‘Does he respect you?’ The second is: ‘Is he responsible?’ and the third is: ‘Does he love the Lord?’ If you get a ‘yes’ answer to all 3 you probably have found the right man.

That was it. She went off to play. She has since told me that she doesn’t remember even asking the question, but I’ve never forgotten it. I’ve have tried testing the answer over time and I believe it now more than even when I first said it.

If she had come to me today as a young woman and asked the same question the conversation would have to be longer. There would be questions and details that would need to be filled in in order for it to make sense. This next section is how that conversation might go.
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All right. I said, ‘Does he respect you?’ ‘Is he responsible?’ ‘Does he love the Lord?’ You probably wonder why I chose those words, and you might question the order in which they occur. First, why wouldn’t I even mention that he should love you? Second, why would I put his relationship with the Lord 3rd instead of first? Isn’t that critical? And third, why would something boring like “responsibility” even be on the list. Certainly there must be something more important than that.

Let me be clear that both the words and the order are all very intentional, and I’ll explain why.

First of all, remember what I said: all three things must be present, so in reality, they are all priority 1: 1a, 1b, 1c. Don’t misunderstand that. It’s a trinity of words. As with the trinity, all 3 being present make the relationship what it is. Not having any one of them adds major challenges to the marriage.

I chose the word “respect” first and foremost because I want that person to value you. That is the most important thing. If the guy is a Christian but he doesn’t value you above all others then he may be a great guy but he is not the right guy for you. It’s all about your value to him.

I chose “respect” because it is the best word to use to indicate that you value someone as a person. You might say, “But doesn’t loving someone indicate that you value them? Wouldn’t it be better to say ‘they should love you,’ as opposed to ‘they should respect you?’ That just sounds kind of formal.”

The word “love” might work if our society was different, but today it is a pretty meaningless word when it comes to defining what’s important in a relationship. Think of the number of times you have seen a man on Dr. Phil sit there and say, “I love my wife” while he’s having an affair. We have made the word “love” too cheap. You might be able to say you love someone and still cheat on them, but you can’t say you respect them and do that. When you respect a person you are honest with them and you don’t toy with them.

And along those same lines, “love” has too many romantic and sexual connotations to make it a good descriptor of value. Think of the times you have heard a girl say, “I love that guy,” when they are just infatuated with him.

And I hate to be crass, but guys have learned that sometimes saying, “I love you” gets them things. It’s been said that the one thing women want most in a relationship is to be loved. Some guys know that and they will use it as a negotiating tool. They may say, “Oh baby, I love you!” but then follow it with something like, “If you love me, you will (fill in the blanks).” If a guy says that to you, it should be a big red flag that what he wants is what he wants and he’s not really interested in you. A guy who respects you will not say things like that to you.

I also chose “respect” because it starts with self-respect. People who don’t respect themselves end up compromising their values. Think of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos. Those are clear examples of girls who do not respect themselves.

You learn to respect yourself by having a strong sense of what you are worth to God and by sticking to that even when your desires are telling you to go in a different direction. If you respect yourself you will know it when someone respects you. Because as they say, “it takes one to know one.”

I chose the word “responsible” because it reflects 3 aspects of the marriage relationship. The first is about material responsibility, the second is about spiritual responsibility and the third is about personal responsibility.

In regard to material responsibility, think about it. If you’re going to spend your life with someone you need to know they’re not going to be a slug. I have met many a Christian guy who are as nice as could be; they go to church and Bible studies, but they are lazy or they have some notion of following an adolescent dream that is just never going to happen. I knew one Christian guy who let his family live in a mess. He never made anything of himself because he hung on to a notion that he was someday going to be a rock star. This went on for years into their marriage. They ended up divorced—for many reasons—but certainly living in an irresponsible fantasy world played into it. You need to be able to count on the person you are married to.

In regard to spiritual responsibility, the Bible says the man is to be the head of the family and that means he should be setting the right spiritual tone. You want a man who is serious about taking on that role. That is missing in many homes today and as a result the church is overly feminized, and boys don’t have the role models they need. You don’t want that for your home. You want a man who is a willing spiritual leader.

In regard to personal responsibility, think of it this way. In any relationship no one will always do the right thing. We all live out Romans 7 every day of our lives, but if you have personal responsibility you will repent when you fail. “Repentance” doesn’t just mean apologizing. It means taking responsibility for what you did, and then changing your direction. A guy who repents won’t whine, make excuses or blame others. In addition, in all things he will strive to be honest. If you respect a person you are honest with them. A person who is honest in little things is honest in the important things. And if you don’t have honesty in your marriage it goes out the window.

So material responsibility, spiritual responsibility and personal responsibility are all critical.

So what about the last phrase? “He will love the Lord.” That’s not a very manly thing to say. Isn’t it enough to just say, “He should be a Christian” or he should be “active in church”? Absolutely not! If a guy can say to you (and mean it) “the thing I want most in my life is to know God and follow Him,” then he is serious about his faith and will have what it takes to show you respect, and to be spiritually responsible. If you detect that his faith is not serious run the other way. One thing to think about: is it possible he is saying he is a Christian just because he knows you won’t go out with non-Christians? Guys have done it before and they’ll do it again. The way to know…his faith will show up in his life and his actions, not just in his church attendance.

So if you can find all these things: a guy who respects you and value you above all others, a guy who is responsible and wants to care for you materially and spiritually, and a guy who has really given his life to the Lord, then it’s very likely you’ll have a successful marriage. Without any one of these, the chances of success go down dramatically.
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Ok. That’s the end of the conversation. Time to switch gears again. Many of you reading this are not young single women, and you might be wondering how this applies to you. It applies to all of us.

If you are a young, single guy, think about yourself. Are you floating along in your life waiting for the next new video game to come along, or are you preparing yourself to be this type of man?

If you’re a single woman, this message doesn’t just apply to the guy; it applies to you as well. You also need to be ready in the same way. Are you developing your character in God so that you can be the right wife for the man God has in store for you?

And if you’re married, this definitely applies to you! The wedding is a one-time event but the marriage is forever.

Have you ever been around couples that don’t treat each other with respect? It’s awful. Maybe you have been married a long time and your relationship is on autopilot. Maybe you have lost respect for your spouse and aren’t even aware of it. It might be because you think in terms of loving them instead of respecting them. Some of you might even able to say, “I love my spouse” but not say, “I respect them.” That should be a huge red flag. Tonight when you go home, look at your spouse and just tell them, “I respect you.” See what happens.

Responsibility: Maybe you’re a husband who thinks his job ends by being a provider, and you leave the “religious stuff” up to “the wife.” Bad move. Your family will suffer for your lack of leadership. Maybe you’re still living an adolescent dream that you need to put behind you and grow up a little. Maybe you’re a wife who is a shopaholic and is draining your family’s savings with your irresponsibility.

Or you own relationship with the Lord. Are you really seeking what He wants for you in your life?

Think of it this way: If you had to give this talk to your daughter would she be able to see what you want for her in your own marriage? I shuddered when I wrote those words because I know what a screw up I can be, and I knew that if I wrote them I’d have to hold myself to the same standard. But even if I can’t meet it I still need to hold it up as the standard and strive towards it.

I’m not naïve. This message may be tough for you to listen to if you are divorced or if you are married to a person who is not a follower of Jesus. Take heart. All of God’s good words are for you too. If your marriage is broken you can still pray to build those qualities in yourself, in your former spouse and your kids.

If your spouse is not a Christian, God will still honor you being the best partner you can be following His guide. Take heart that God loves you and your spouse.

In closing I want to go back to focusing on the young people. God created marriage as the most important institution in the church. It should be for life, so it shouldn’t be something you just jump into. Remember, respect, responsibility and love the Lord. Start well.